The pain of hiding pain.

I am ashamed of my problems, every single problem that I have may it be big and life changing or small and barely noticeable I am ashamed. I hide my problems daily so people won’t change their opinion of me and brand me as ‘mentally unstable’ which makes it even worse with everyday at work. I don’t have a high demanding job or a job that even matters, I am just a simple cashier at a petrol station which still stresses me to fuck because of the people I work with, the people I work for, the fear of making a mistake with under-age sales which would royally fuck my life up, and finally the fact that I am reminded daily that I have problems which no one at work knows about but still get told I have problems which makes it even more difficult to hide it from them because if any of them knew the slightest way in which I suffer then they wouldn’t dare say another fucking word.

No matter how many people I surround myself around I still feel alone which is something I do not get because no matter how much of a good time I may be having with my friends there is still that feeling of a hole inside of me which feels more than just a metaphor. I like being alone but I don’t like feeling alone.

No matter what I do I can’t relax. With most people to relax it could be something as simple as a cup of tea and having their feet up, but with me I haven’t found anything yet that can make me fully relaxed because thoughts constantly run through my head about; my past, my future, the present, what Im doing with my life, and do I actually like my life? 

Right now I wish I could just go to sleep for days and days because I can’t remember the last time I had a decent night sleep without constantly waking up during the night or actually getting a good amount of hours sleep instead of 2-5 a night…

I know my problems aren’t as severe as most peoples problems but everyone in a way suffers and everyone needs help no matter how severe or simple their problems may be but with me, everyday that passes I lose another fuck that I give about my life.